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Join Drake and Marie in a live critique where they tear apart a willing victim's work.
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Writer's Room: https://writersroom.mn.co/
Marie's contact details:
Books: https://mariemullany.com/work
Just In Time Worlds: https://www.youtube.com/c/JustInTimeWorlds?sub_confirmation=1
Text
you got.
To understand that there's only you know, you know, again, that's that head book.
Paper book, you.
Know everything. I know this world. I know the moons, I know the geography, I know the cities under the layout, under the kingdoms. I know you know leaders and people and places and things and.
But the reader is.
Just getting into it now. They're going to know it.
Because it's a 1.5
million word
Saga. They'll get there.
But they don't need it in the opening chapter.
Releasing your inner dragon.
All right, so we have another brave soul who has sent us a piece for critiquing. This is actually a little bit special to me, because this is also.
Somebody.
Who.
Found this actually on the podcast. So the podcast is doing its job and, you know, creating new people to know who we are. And then she not only bought a lot of my creative writing books, but she joined my writers room and has been in there getting.
Critiqued directly.
By me every single week.
So she's double.
Dipping and getting some critiquing on this podcast.
As well.
so we received this thousand words from our brave soul, and neither of us have read it. ‘Cause that’s how it sometimes goes. So this will be our first time through sharing it with you.
All right, So Maria sharing her screen. For those of you that are just listening on the podcast, if you want to view the document and read along with us, I encourage you to head on over.
To YouTube.
To the Releasing your Inner Dragon YouTube channel. That's there. If you're going to make the special trip, go ahead and make it productive and hit that subscribe button and that notification bell. We're literally less than 150 people, 150 subscribers away from being monetized. And, you know, at this level it's big money. It's like $20 a month that we’ll be earning.
So like.
We really need that kind of.
Income because, you know, we're both broke writers. Well, one of us is a broke writer. The other one has a really.
Good paying job.
if you want to see it, head on over there to YouTube.
But we
will be reading it out loud and we'll try to make sure
that
everybody can follow along, even if you're just listening,
Yeah, just as a piece of advice for people that are using word because they do, they do love to move stuff.
And so.
If you are smart.
And want to actually have things.
More easily at.
Hands, you don't have to go looking for things like, okay, wait, line numbers used to be under home and then it was under design and now it's under layout, usually under reference,
they just love to move this crap all over the place.
Learn how to customize your.
Ribbon. So my home ribbon, you know, when I'm on the home tab, everything that I would use like line numbering or page breaks or anything that I kind of use on a regular basis instead of going and trying to figure out and remembering.
Which menu.
The programmer decided to put it under. This week, I just customize my home menu, and it's called Customize Ribbon, and you can just Google that. And then I just put everything there on my home screen. So everything that I need is always right there. And then the cool thing about customizing the ribbon is there's a lot of things that I will never.
Use, like.
You know, voice editing and all that, that all those buttons are there on the home screen. I'm like, I'm never going to use this option. And so when I'm customizing, I just delete all of those so that my home screen is just what I need and what I use on a regular basis.
Just a little tidbit. Kinda help you out.
Although another tidbit on that.
Is if you ever if word ever.
Crashes and then it's coming back up, it'll pop up this window that says.
your normal dot doc.
Template is different.
Would you like to create one from scratch?
Hit No.
Hit. Yes. Delete everything you did and give you back to the.
Original state that it was in when it was installed. So and I'm not I'm not letting you all know this from, you know, from personal experience, because I obviously would never have hit. Yes. And then deleted everything that I did. I definitely didn't do it two times or three or four times, probably before I learned that that was what was causing it.
So not giving you that warning because of that.
Okay. So we get to this. So I'm going to start by reading Orion Citadel, Colorado. George Kincaid stayed out from a window on the top floor of the tower as he mindlessly
flipped
a razor sharp boot knife. A tidal wave of billowing dark clouds engulfed the snowcapped Rockies. Sharp, jagged peaks that thrust boldly toward the sky, Young peaks not yet disciplined, but time and erosion.
Within minutes, the swirling, murky mist enshrouded the citadel, blocking the view and transforming the window into a mirror with an irritated scowl. He slipped the knife into his boot, shook his head, and glared at his reflection in the window glass. He envied. The young mountain's time and erosion were relentless enemies. He couldn't fight. no weapon, in his well-stocked armory could strike a blow against the marching infantry of days laid by the changing seasons.
Although he wasn't a vain man. The crow's feet, the crow's feet, lines across his forehead and streaks of gray and his black hair were grim reminders that time was flying past. I'm going to stop here because there's two there's something that I've noticed here that I just want to comment on briefly.
Yep.
I think your comment on the same thing that.
I am not crazy about this construction. So it's a tidal wave of billowing dark clouds engulfed the snowcapped Rockies and then it's em dash em dash sharp, jagged peaks across Boulder towards the sky, which was fine. But that same construction, although without the em dash, is repeated online 11 where it's although he wasn't the vain man comma, the crow's feet comma lines across his forehead, comma, like I know what crow's feet are.
Why are you explaining that? It just it feels it feels like a weird construction.
Well, I think she's.
Going with crow's.
Feet.
Which are normally at the corners of your eyes. And then the lines on the forehead is she's pointing out a second age thing.
Okay, So. So I agree.
Because the problem that I had with both of these is they're both big run on sentences.
Yeah. As we've.
Talked about, many, many, many times, when you have wrong sentences, you're forcing the reader to swallow so much information that a lot of it is just going to get.
Lost.
And so like that first line, that line from 3 to 5. A tidal wave of billowing dark clouds that.
There's.
So much great imagery in that line and there's.
So much.
Coolness to it, shoving it all in really, in my opinion, just weakens the impact that it could of have. So dividing that into two or even, you know, three because we have kind of three things.
We have the initial just.
The description, a tidal wave of billowing cloud, dark clouds engulf the snowcapped.
Rockies like boom, that's a great.
Line. And I would probably end it with a period because it's such a powerful line and then say something like, Because I also like the sharp, jagged peaks thrust boldly toward the sky. But maybe I would just start a new sentence with their.
Sharp, jagged peaks thrust.
Boldly toward the sky.
And then the third part is talking is bringing in the age. I might rework the second the second bit of it too, to make it work a little bit better. It works as an em dash on there. If you end a period after that, that first em dash. So if it was just em dash, sharp, jagged peaks and then period it works is just still a lot of information.
But if you do this, you say the young peak's not yet disciplined by time and erosion thrust,
The young peaks.
Not not yet disciplined by time and erosion thrust,
sharp, jagged points toward the sky also kills the that right right.
Yeah. I mean there's a bunch of ways to to rework this. Just the only thing that I would have a comment on this version is we're kind of redundant in the fact that we have the young jagged.
Peaks.
And then we also have jagged or the young peaks and we have jagged points and they're kind of the same thing. So like another way to do it, not that this is wrong, but another way to do it would be, you know, the young jagged peaks, comma, not yet disciplined by time, erosion, comma, thrust boldly toward the sky.
You combine everything.
To the.
Noun up at the front and and then just do just go from there.
So either way, like, both are fine.
The difference that so Marie is
separating out.
The mountains themselves from the from the sharp peaks, if that's what you want. I'm trying to combining the sharp peaks.
With.
The young mountains, just kind of putting them together as one. So it really just depends on what you want in either.
Wrong. Yeah, it's just what you.
Want the reader to focus on.
But in both cases you reduce the run on sentence.
Yes.
Which is the, the.
The problem. And now either way, we do.
That second part of it either the way I did it or what Marie did, it doesn't matter. Notice now we have this first part, which is this really strong visual, followed by another really strong visual.
As opposed to.
One long run on sentence, which has.
Two distinctly.
Strong visuals, but they kind of get muddied because they're connected in one.
Sentence.
Yeah, exactly.
And then I guess the third thing is, is do we really need all of the extra data? I like it, but some people are just just for.
For.
To play devil's advocate here, some people.
Really do like to write in a very.
Miserly way. And so they might just go with that first line, you know, a tidal wave of dark billowing clouds engulf snow.
Capped Rockies.
And then allow the reader.
To paint.
That in. That's not your style. That's not my style. But that is a style that a lot of people use where they're like, you know, do I need this extra information? And there's nothing none of this is wrong. It's your writing style. It's what you're trying to accomplish, so on and so forth.
Yeah, So I agree with that. And that is
different people writing different style. There are there are people who write way more minimalist than either of us do, and they would say, You don't need all that information. I personally think that I love the information. It paints a great picture, but.
But even the difference between me and you, like, we are
Even in that you write a little bit more. I wouldn't say you write miserly because you don't because you're an epic fantasy writer, but you but comparatively I probably am a little bit more descriptive than you are.
Yeah.
And there's nothing wrong with it. That's just my voice. That your.
Voice.
You edit is something mine recently. And you mark this section. She's like you said, you actually said.
Really beautifully written, but I would cut it and I'm like, I like it. And I didn't cut it.
So and that's the thing, that's another thing when you're taking critiques and this is a good time to talk about this. We actually talked about this last night in the writers room.
You should take every critique, you should take.
every critique and like me and Marie always talk about, you.
Should be actively.
Trying to convince yourself that the other person is.
Right. Yes. That does not mean you should take what people give you at.
You know, at all costs. And this is just it. This is.
Just fact. And you suck. Everything should be.
Scrutinized.
By you.
And and decided.
By you.
If it fits your voice and it fits what you're trying to do with the story. If it fits, you know, if you're.
Happy with it.
I promise you, if you start following everyone blindly, you're going to end up hating your work. It's always about, okay, that's great. I hear what you're saying. Like, even this author's like.
You know, I hear what you're saying. I really like.
That run on sentence. I'm going to keep it. And then? Then that.
Writer's.
Is justified in doing that. You know.
It's. Yeah, it's just the way it is. So all suggestions should be taken.
You should never fight a suggestion because that's the other dumb thing. If somebody is like, I think you should write this in this way. And you go, No, you're wrong. And here's.
Why. Like, why are you arguing with them? Yeah, just don't take the advice. Just say, thank you so much. You know, they're not going to come to your house later and change it. They're not going to like just. Just don't do it. Don't do it.
If it's something you don't want to do.
You're going to need to fight with people about it. Like their critique of your work, right? You can just ignore that advice.
Because the reality.
Is, is even online. I mean, if it's.
Something like so like.
This is even more subjective Yes.
Run on since is both of us.
Do believe that it weakens writing if you have a bunch of wrong sentences. So we have quite a few of them just even in these first three paragraphs.
Yeah. However, it is still.
Kind of subjective because.
They're, you know, while it would be a little.
Strong, it was broken up. Would it kick somebody out and have them go, this author can't write, I hate this.
Probably not. So if it isn't something like you misspelled this word, you punctuated this incorrectly, you know, this isn't a sentence. So getting away from the factual edits, everything else is a feeling of the critiquer. we feel.
This is a run on sentence.
We feel.
That it's stronger if you break it up into.
Two. You can't argue with that. You can't tell me I'm wrong. Yes, I that's what I feel.
I mean, I'm I'm currently reading
Empire of Black and Gold from Adrian Czajkowski and he essentially head hops between characters they're all characters in the same little party basically. And he just jumps from one to the other as he feels he treats them all as kind of one POV and he jumps from them from one to the other and I wouldn't do that right.
I don't think it's I think it's stronger without it. But he's managed to attach to the plot and the story and the world, and so I'm reading it and I'm enjoying it. Then, you know, it's like.
So yeah.
It's the same way when I go back to the 1970s fantasy, the 1970s fantasy is.
The.
Reason the industry.
Rebelled.
Against l y.
Adverbs.
Because seventies fantasy there's not a seventies fantasy writer that didn't love.
Every single ly adverb. And so, like I'm.
Rereading Red Wall from Brian's haikus and I'm just like, you know, and Terry Brooks has gotten away from it. But back in the day, you know, in the sort of Shannara series, just like Terry Brooks.
There's not an L whatever.
But they didn't like.
They loved them all.
And every l y adverb they ever met.
And so now, you know, because of the fact that I write different and I see writing different, it is jarring to me. But Red Wall is such a great story and I'm just going back and, you know, you get a lot of that nostalgia of rereading it from what you read as a youth. And and so it's just, you know, whatever.
I'm enjoying the story.
I enjoy the characters.
I've also I've also reached the point where I can read a story for what it is without trying to impose my own style on it. Right? Which is nice.
So that's actually funny.
Another thing we discussed last night, although I didn't go to this next step.
So there's two.
Great curses that I tell everybody. If you follow me down this path, I'm going to there's two curses. And I wasn't exempt from them either. One, you'll hate everything you've ever written. Like everything. You're only like what you're writing right now. But tomorrow you'll hate that.
And two, it'll ruin.
You as a fan because you'll start to see all these mistakes. And that's actually what brought this up. Because another member of the writer's room, when I had mentioned I was reading Red Wall, he was like, I haven't read that in a long time. So he started a he's the one I actually brought up last night. my goodness.
The adverbs.
So I reminded him about, Yeah, remember the Drake curse? Whatever. But here's something I never talk about because it does take a while to get there. So I don't want to, like, get people false hope.
But eventually you actually.
Get to the point where it no longer ruins you as a fan. Because, you know, because when you're in the thick of it and you're learning and all this other stuff, you're like, my goodness, everyone else is just terrible. How did I miss all this stuff? But eventually get to the point where it's like.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I wouldn't do it that way. It's fine. I'm going to just ignore that and go on because I'm not editing this.
For.
Somebody. I'm just reading it for pleasure.
It's over. Eventually, the Drake Curse. I don't think.
Eventually you get through it like so. So I would call it like an evolutionary step as a writer where the when you just start and you start learning your craft and so on, you're looking at everybody else's work and you're like, They all suck. Look at all these mistakes. And then eventually you get past that phase and you're like, Okay, I wouldn't have done it this way, but it's a stylistic choice, you know?
Yeah.
Or it's how they wrote back then. I mean, in the seventies, they just wrote very adverb heavy. No one ever said to them back then, Hey.
This is bad writing. It was just what? It was just how everyone wrote.
Yeah. Anyway, so back to this, which we are critiquing. So we're not reading for pleasure.
And so going back to.
That line of 12 to 13.
Yeah. So 12 to 13. All right.
So again, if we break that up into two.
Lines, it makes it.
Stronger because all of.
It is really cool. It's just that it's kind of muddled in. And this is.
Why I say.
It's another one of the things that I try to teach people when you're trying to when you're looking at a line, you're like, okay, the line doesn't work. Let me figure out how to rewrite it.
The biggest mistake.
The people make is they look at the line that they're trying to rewrite and they try to figure out.
New words to put here.
They're in the other place.
And I feel like that.
Is the biggest roadblock.
Creator that exists.
What I recommend, if you're going to try to rewrite a line that you're like, okay, the line doesn't work.
Stop looking at the words you use. Go, okay.
What is the information that this line conveys to the reader? So in this case, there's two things that we're giving to the reader.
We're describing the guy's.
Features to let the reader know how old this person is without saying, you know, whatever his name is. George, a man of 52.
Like, we don't have to be that telly. We can.
Organically give.
This up. So one, we're.
Describing him to give him the age and also just to describe his features. And then we're also describing that.
He is really.
Struggling with the fact that he's and all of us to get to this age. I mean, I'll be 55 this year and we all go, What happened?
Like I was just 20. Like, what? And so every.
Human being goes to that moment where you're like.
wow, I getting all this real because it's always this when you're.
Younger, getting older just doesn't seem like it's like somebody else's reality, but it's never.
Yours.
Yeah.
And so those are the true piece of information. And once you do that, you can go, okay, can I write a.
Line that.
Describes.
The guy's features and shows he's older without actually saying.
yeah, I can come.
Up with 30 different lines. I don't do that. And then can I write a line.
That lets the.
Audience know that he's at that age where he's starting to realize that age is a real thing and that he's not 20 anymore and holy crap, how did this happen? Yeah, I can come up with 30 lines and do that. So again, if you stop looking at what.
You wrote and look at what the sentence is accomplishing, once you do that and ask, can I write a line that accomplishes that, you'll go, wow, yeah, you're 50 different ways to write that, as opposed to sitting.
There staring at this line and going.
What word can I.
Change that would fix this? You know, blah.
Blah, blah, because you just stare at it forever, take a step.
Back, find out what you're doing with the line, and then just and then just come up with new ways to do.
Exactly that.
Yeah.
But yeah, we could do that here.
But but, you know, it's just a run on sentence with a lot of information now.
So I'm going to leave a note here for the for the author so they know that this I did it also if they want to, but they don't have to. But if they want to, it might be it did actually throw me the sentence that throw me out. But that was because like I thought the lines across his forehead with some are referring to the crow's feet and that it threw me right.
And I can see that. And that's something. So so it's also this has happened.
A couple of times in the last week. I'm going to see if I can come up with an exact example.
It's also understanding that you may be using a word correctly, but if it.
Has multiple meanings, it doesn't mean the reader is going to read it with the meaning.
You thought so
something about
I don't give you the exact line, but it was something about it was.
The word even. And I don't remember how it was written, but the sentence opened up with like even his breathing. But it wasn't that long because that doesn't make sense.
But he was using the.
Word even in the sentence.
To mean level. But since it was the first.
Opening of the sentence, everyone is going to read it.
As a comparison word. Even though this is.
Happening, this other thing is happening.
And so when you read.
The sentence as a.
Reader, you get thrown off because everyone's.
Going to read it as the comparison word and not the leveling word.
And so I'm like, I get what you're.
Doing here and.
You're using the word correctly, but you're using in a way that the other.
Form of this word is more common for the reader to.
Use. And you don't need to create that that disconnect just right.
Leveling his breathing or, you know, calming his like there's.
Other words that you could use that would not throw the reader off.
And hand. Again, it wasn't even his breathing because it doesn't make any sense.
But whatever it was, it was.
The word even. And everyone's going to read it one way, but he meant it as in leveling. And so.
You do have to watch.
For stuff like that as well.
It's just so like with this, I can see absolutely.
How readers even go the crow's feet. Let me explain what crow's feet are.
Why are you, you know, like a three year old?
So just just think about that. You got to.
Think about how the.
Readers are going to interpret your writing.
Yeah, but so resuming on line 14 years, gone absently twisting his wedding band, he peered past his reflection at the opaque wall of Gray, then checked his phone for the time and blew out a weary sigh that fogged the window.
Another run on.
Yep. All was waiting. He was sick to death of waiting. The call would come soon. He glanced at his phone before slipping it back into his pocket. No bars, no surprise that call. A sick feeling rolled through his gut. He hadn't realized he'd been almost dreading it. Hell, he was dreading it. But why wouldn't he? Four little words.
I'm not coming home could change the future forever. And he was powerless to stop it. Powerless. That was a sour pill to swallow for a man of his prestigious ranks and command experience.
No.
I'm. I'm. No, I'm struggling with this. This. This portion. I'm struggling. So this was fine.
Mhm.
Years gone absently twisting all of this was fine. So he's waiting. Is waiting is sick of waiting. Okay. And then the call would come soon. Okay. How does he is he hoping And then he look and then he looks at his phone and there's no bars. And it's not a surprise, but he's expecting a call. So how's he going to get the call?
Like, so.
I'm not feeling this.
Only because.
This person is in the writing room and I've read I haven't read this piece. Actually, she never.
Opened.
With the I think this is the opening scene and I never read that, but I've read deeper into this. So I understand what's going on and I understand what she's trying to do, whether she can pay it off or not. We'll see as we get down there. But I can definitely see how you have that disconnect. And again, it's crazy how much we talk about in this podcast that happens the night before in the in the writers room.
So I read last night in the writers room, which I don't usually do, but there were only two readers last night. It was a light night, and so I took advantage of being read.
And so.
One of the verticals.
Was like, okay, so he says this, but then he says this and these can't be true at the same time.
So it's got me thinking of why is he thinking these two different things? And, you know, her comment was like, you need to fix this.
And I'm like, No.
I want you feeling exactly what you're feeling.
Okay. So we started
talking about what what an unreliable narrator is. And this isn't that case, but I'm saying last night.
Yeah, it was
The disconnect is the character's disconnected.
He doesn't know.
Which is true.
And so he's thinking about both as if they are true because he's accepting both in his life.
And so we see the.
Dichotomy, but the character doesn't see the dichotomy because he doesn't know which one is true and he wants them both to be true. Actually, in his case, he wants them both to be false. But anyway, since I know where this is going, I understand what she's trying to do here. Now, the question is, is does it work or does it not?
And, you know, that's subjective and we'll have to figure that out.
But there is that the calls
Is not obviously coming in on the phone.
So does the phone muddy the waters.
To the point where it's a negative or does it make the reader.
Go, well, if there's no bars, are they not going to.
Call? And then when the thing happens, you go, and it has more of an impact. So that's the that would be the thing to.
Get to is.
Does the dichotomy.
Have a payoff?
Sure. And and I guess, like if it gets paid off of like a telepathy or something else or whatever, maybe. But right now.
Right.
The the, the vibes I'm getting is okay. So he's waiting for a call that he's dreading and he's been waiting for a long time, but he's sure it's going to come soon. And I'm not, I'm not feeling the same amount of hook that's carrying me.
Right.
For me.
Right. And that's what I said. I see what she's doing now.
Will it actually pay off or not?
That's subjective. Even even when we get to it, it's subjective.
Yeah.
My problem was the next paragraph.
Which one?
The one right above that. 24 through. Yeah. 22 to 24.
Yeah. So we were very focused.
On I'm standing here, I'm waiting, time is passing, I'm getting old, I'm waiting. I hate.
Waiting.
When's the damn call coming in. It's got to come in soon. Very focused. And so now I'm focused on this and this.
Paragraph starts to go with stuff that I don't see how.
It's connected. So we now have.
A
I don't know what that call is.
So when I when you read that call, I'm like, wait, what call this call the one that's coming in.
Is it the same call? Is it a different call? Is it a call on what call is this?
Yeah, right. But then, but then I don't know where. I'm not coming home comes in and how that changes. So I think what this.
Paragraph is, is the quintessential example of head book versus.
Paper book.
The author knows how I'm not Coming Home is connected, but it's not.
In the paper book. And so that's where I got lost. I got lost in the.
Okay, we're waiting on a call. Great. He's nervous about the call. Great. He's driving the call. Great.
I'm not coming home.
Yes. So? So I actually agree with that. So I was still okay ish with 20 to 21, but 22 to 24 threw me out completely because I'm like, okay, so he's already had the call? Right.
Exactly.
Because the words already been spoken or they've not been or what is going on here? Right. Yeah.
I can see how like.
I said I definitely see how the no bars, no surprise. Wait a minute. The phone doesn't work. How does he get a call?
But that's to me, that's a question.
That I want the reader contemplating.
Like they're like,
Okay, wait a minute. This is obviously.
Weird because.
That's going to keep them interested. Like, well.
How does he get a call?
But this makes it feel like a call's already happened. And it.
Or really what.
This makes me feel is that this has nothing to do with this call that's about to come in.
Yes. And that's what I'm. Yeah, it is. Is really like I started getting a little twitchy at 20 to 21, but I could have like, it could I could have gone on, but then 22 to 24 really threw me out.
And then 25.
And 26 is just a as you know, I'm thinking to myself and it's a sour pill to swallow for a man of my status and my command, which I know because I am that man. And so therefore, why am I telling myself that I.
Have and I get that you have.
To give this stuff the reader. But those are things that we can show.
We can literally craft a scene that lets the.
Reader know that this character is of a.
Prestigious rank.
And has command experience. Yeah, as opposed to just info dumping the information at the reader.
Especially considering that this is.
Him thinking to himself and he's by himself.
So let's say he was.
With another person and they said something insulting to him and the narration might do something like because I'm sure I've read this written this where it's like, How do you know he's not going to say it? So I will write it.
Narration But how dare he say.
Something to me?
Someone, someone of my rank? Like, who is this guy to say.
This to me?
Because we've all thought that.
You know.
It just it just happens. We we think that way. But this is just a dude by himself.
Yeah. And so now he's giving information to himself about himself.
Yeah. That he knows. So this is not.
Good as as you know, Bob.
And even though it's narration and not inner monologue, it's still the same thing.
Yeah. All right. So picking up at line 27, the storm released its heavy load in torrential sheets that washed away the dense fog and revealed skeletal trees, leafless dark and dripping in the forest beyond the citadel's massive iron gates. That is an immense run on sentence.
It's the exact.
Same that first line two or three or four or whatever it was. This is the exact same.
Sentence.
Construction.
So first of all, you want to not fall into a rote. And notice in the last one we had this sentence structure in the first paragraph and then another em dash sentence structure in the next paragraph. This one has the same thing. So not only are we using a structure that we've already talked about of why it's problematic to us, but we're falling into a wrote of using these same structures.
Yeah, and we all do it. It's something I really fight.
Hard to.
Try and make sure because it does create a weird rote ness to the read. And then the the reader kind of falls into this trance and they're no longer paying attention to what's being read.
Yeah. Becomes it becomes singsong if it's all too much the same.
Yeah.
Scattered evergreen pine and spruce trees made only dull splotches of dark green that did nothing to brighten the landscape. His gaze dropped to the wide tower terrace, a story below the window where he stood, a terrace that now looked like a swimming pool. The deluge had already flooded the flagstone and overwhelming the drain hole set within the Crenelated parapet wall.
Wait don't scroll down, lets talk about these two.
Okay, But there's a couple of things.
29 A lot of ly adverbs just don't do much like the only that's in there. If we read the sentence without it.
Scattered evergreen.
Pines and spruce trees made dull splotches of dark green that did nothing to brighten the landscape. It's literally stronger.
Without.
The only.
And then
I think this is a.
Not the best representation of transition. So we go from yes, we mentioned that there are dark clouds.
But there's no it felt.
Very sudden that it's just.
All there. So for me, I would have liked to.
Have because we went from this inner kind of thought.
Stuff to just.
It raining. So even just a little transition.
Of.
Thunder rippled across the the sky a moment.
Before the clouds unleashed.
Their heavy load in torrential. You know what I mean.
We get that little bit of hey.
Let me bring you back and so I don't mean transition from the rain coming quickly I guess I should could should say this don't transition from we're in this esoteric thinking about time and then we're back to a physical reality. That's what I'm talking about. We didn't do anything to bring the reader from where inside of our head to, look at what's going on outside of our body.
That's the transition I'm talking about. I'm not saying the rain came on too quick.
I'm saying we moved too quickly from one type.
Of information to another type of information. And so I would have liked to have seen something bring the reader back. I mean, I'm one of the things that I hate about my writing, although.
It's not bad, I.
I will have like a couple of paragraphs of this inner thoughts or whatever and our inner thinking or whatever. And then I'll have something like, you know.
A crack, you know, tore.
Him from his musings.
To I do this.
And I do it probably too much, but.
It just lets the reader.
Get this moment of, Look, you were in this guy's head, but now let's let's talk about something, you know, that's tangible. You know, the we're out now. And so I always do something to make sure that my readers.
Kind.
Of can follow that transition seamlessly. And this doesn't have it. It's just very jarring. We're in his head. We're not in, is it?
Yeah.
So that's all I.
Had on on these.
Do you. Yeah. And it's just, just watch those run on sentences there. Yeah. Right. A memory came unbidden to his mind. A gentle summer morning over ten years prior, when wind chimes tingled sweetly in the warm breeze. Sara on the terrace in the tower's shade, relaxing on a lawn chase and enjoying the view as she nursed baby carer while her twin brother Logan, napped in a shouts and laughter drifted from far below where Chase and Benji played tag on the lawn.
Sara, my love. Okay,
I
maybe the reader needs this.
Maybe they really need this right now.
But it's a flashback.
But it's a flashback. It's a flashback on the first. On the second page. And do I really need all these names?
Must I know.
Who his family is and his connection to them for this.
Scene.
To work. Not the story.
Not the character, not the, you know, the whole thing for this moment of time. Yeah. Do I need this to have.
Do I need this moment? Impact me? Why Five names introduced to me in one paragraph in a flashback. For this to work.
And that let's talk about that separately. So let's target first.
Let's talk about, you know, do we need this flashback? And then let's dissect.
How it's written, because those are two very different issues. Yeah. So and if.
You've listened to this podcast, even for a little while, you'll know both me and Marie loathe flashbacks in the opening moments.
You can't do so one day I.
Should really bring in that thing of maybe in that chapter that I just wrote where it's a flashback, but without without understanding.
That that scene, that.
Moment that you're reading doesn't make sense.
It's also literally.
Two sentences, a flashback. And so it is important for that moment of time.
We're waiting on a call.
Georgia standing on a mountain or Michael George is standing on a mountain because George is the main character.
And do I.
Am I going to get a payoff? Because I learned about Sarah and the twins and the other two kids that are out, you know, playing?
I don't think so.
Because again, I've read further.
Yeah, but we'll see.
But that is the problem with flashbacks. If it doesn't pay off, if you're like, well, I'm just giving them this information here so that they know the character better later.
You haven't earned that yet. I don't care about George yet, so I don't care about his family.
Your job and an opening chapter is to make me care about the character and whatever conflict they're going through. Not their history, not their backstory, not their family, not the magic sword that he's going to find in Chapter seven.
Not the history of the Kingdom. You must make me care about this character or I don't.
Care about anything.
Else.
And so that's the problem that we have with flashbacks. You want to add to any of that or.
No, I think that's fine For flashbacks, We have covered it, plenty so.
So now it's.
His name is slightly.
Different. Now let's say that.
This paragraph is needed, so let's just go with that. This is needed. So we have now introduced five new characters in one paragraph. Now let's talk about like, why do.
It’s too many.
Even if this is critical, even if I need to understand that he has a family and he has a wife who's missing, I you, you, you cannot throw five names at me and then expect me to remember anything. Yeah, because what has just happened is all of those names have blurred together into white noise. And the only name I think you actually want me to remember is Sarah's name.
And he has children.
Right.
Mike? Mike. The children just be children have like she nursed the baby and the twins ran around or whatever. Like, you know, don't give me the kids names in the same paragraph. I don't know these people. It's more information I need to try and remember. I promise you, it's already gone. Yeah. And then, like, just below that paragraph where I've now been hit with five names, I get another one.
This Michael, who I also haven't seen. I've seen nobody except George. Yeah, I've literally seen one person, George, but now I've just been tossed names like.
And I think.
Michael is only one that matters for this. C Again, I haven't read this scene, but I think I've read the very next scene.
So yeah, so how we would fix this time? That's how we fix this. Well, one of two ways.
One exactly. Maureen did nailed it.
You can literally just.
Make them.
Ambiguous.
I need to know that there's a there's a problem between George and Sarah. George is in pain because of Sarah. And I want you know, if I want them to know he has kids. Great. So Sarah sat on the.
Terrace.
In the.
Tower.
Say.
Yeah, nursing the baby, nursing their baby or her baby, if it's not their baby or whatever. And then.
I would rework it.
Or whatever.
Like.
I would even do it like this. Like, does the twins have.
To be separate? So even something like enjoying the view as she nursed the twins.
Because why is one in a playpen? Why do I need that information? You know, blah, blah, blah. And then, but there are four kids shouts and laughter drifted far below where their other two children play with.
The older kids play tag, whatever.
There's just make it generic and it's so much easier to do. This is how crazy this is. So I talked about that I read last night, and it's an opening chapter into a new world, into a new everything. And so names are like like it's going to get too much too quickly. So that's one of the questions we talked about.
You get introduced to.
One city, name.
One type of warrior
Name, the main character's name, his master's name, and maybe one or two other little things. But there was like six or seven in a chapter of 3,200
words.
But then there were some other things that I that we talked about that I ended up cutting. So like I did some worldbuilding in there. There's two moons in this world. And so it has something about train or the tiny red moon and st or the silver moon. And so when we started talking about names, they were like, Yeah, you know, you didn't throw me off.
It was because I asked about that specifically. But now it was fine. I mean, there's a lot.
But there's not a lot. There's it's a bare minimum.
And then one of the people were like, Well, do I need the moon names? And I'm like.
You know, it's kind of worldbuilding.
Yes. And then I was like, Yeah, probably not. I can get those names in later.
So now I'm cutting the moons names just because they're just two names that we don't, you know.
Yes, there's two moons in the sky. I do want to paint that picture, but now it just says the tiny red moon instead of trainor the tiny red moon, it just now says the tiny red and instead of saying. I’ll tell you a secret.
I'll tell you a secret for free if you put a name in.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Are you charging for this? Because I'm not getting paid for this.
So. So I'll tell you a secret. If you put a name in narration, readers immediately think it's important, and they then will try to remember it. And that means they forget everything else.
Yeah.
Okay. And the more names you throw at them, the more overwhelmed they feel. If you want your worldbuilding to feel smooth, minimize your name, let it flow, and then gradually introduce the names. Once they've gotten a feeling.
Yeah.
And don't do it in the opening chapter. Which is why, like I said, once we talked about names and I'm like, I've cut this to the bone. But then I was like, But actually I haven't because there's still some meat on it that I could cut off, which is I don't need the two moon names. Those are just two other names that they have to remember that they don't need.
It's just a red moon and a silver moon. That's all they need. And that's only to paint the picture because the moons aren't. They have nothing to do with the story.
The moon.
You know, have something to do later, but not.
Here.
In this moment of time. And so just knowing that there's a tiny red moon and and a large silver moon is plenty.
It's plenty of.
Information for.
The reader. That may sound really petty, but it's
you got.
To understand that there's only you know, you know, again, that's that head book.
Paper book, you.
Know everything. I know this world. I know the moons, I know the geography, I know the cities under the layout, under the kingdoms. I know you know leaders and people and places and things and.
But the reader is.
Just getting into it now. They're going to know it.
Because it's a 1.5
million word
Saga. They'll get there.
But they don't need it in the opening chapter.
They need you know, I introduced them to the Shiloh and the Mussoorie and, you know, the character Cletus and a few other words like that. That's what they need. They need those for this moment. They do not need trainor and sanor the two moons. That is irrelevant at this moment.
So even though to me.
I wrote it.
And had no problem with it because I know the world.
When.
We got to the okay, I'm introducing a lot of new terms that I lose you anywhere, everywhere.
And even though everyone's like, No, no, I followed. It was it was fine.
It was still a but could I cut more? Could I make it even easier on them? And the two moons? And there's one other thing that I cut that didn't need to be in there, but it would take some explaining. So it doesn't matter. The two moons are easy to understand for people. So you might be.
Thinking, but I want.
To get the names of my moons in there.
Great. Do it later. Yeah, later They are.
You do not need to cram everything into the opening chapter.
Yep.
Relax. Let the world unfold at its own pace.
Let it breathe.
Art. Sarah, my love, how I missed you. He pressed the first against his chest to eases heartache with his own spring. Ever arrive for eight long years, he kept the secret and his faith Michael had promised. But over time, Georgia's optimism had dwindled to America and all nurtured deep within his bruised, battered and lonely heart. But that seed of hope, no matter how small, shriveled and dormant, lived just as the barren trees lived beneath the winter's icy embrace, the clouds darkened, the wind howled and change directions.
Long icy fingers penetrated the window and he shivered. But he didn't step away.
All right, let's talk about something
The he does not need to be there. The raw, gloomy weather suited his mood. He checked the time again. The office phone would ring soon. Okay, let's talk about this.
Yeah.
So again, we're shifting very quickly.
From a to a new piece of information now. And so I don't feel like there's a good transition it also makes me as a reader now go, okay, well, why did I learn this other stuff? We're back into this moment, so that's another hour. Not cause for argument or argument against introducing the wife and kids.
Let's roll up just a little bit. So 40 and 41 and 42, I don't think this connects well enough that it's.
Going to not lose some readers. And it didn't lose me. I'm sure I didn't lose you. But Michael had promised. But over time, Michael would promise what there's going to be people that are not going.
To.
Connect. Michael had promised to the last paragraph.
Because there wasn't really a.
Promise mentioned in the last.
Paragraph.
You know, it was, you know, what his own spring ever arrived.
That is a very rhetorical question, and we don't know, by the way, I'm going to read.
That.
Is.
The metaphorical spring. And so when you say Michael had promised Michael would promise that he's going to get a metaphorical spring.
So I just.
Don't feel that that connects well enough. And it kind of almost reads like a fragmented sentence.
Yeah.
So that needs to be connected a little bit better.
And then 43 and 44, this is a.
Perfect example.
Of stop.
Overusing em dashes because that is just a comma out.
Clause. But the seat of hope.
Comma, no matter how small, shriveled and dormant comma lived just that is.
Not.
An em dashed statement.
em dashes should be. I mean, we overuse.
Them in fantasy.
But.
And there's no grammatically correct way to use them.
But they really should be a gut punch. Yeah.
Kind of thing. And if you.
Overuse them, they lose that.
Yeah.
They are. You know, it's not grammatically correct, but we definitely.
Use them to.
To add a clause that we want the reader to look at.
Harder than anything else.
Do I really give a.
Crap that they, that they look at, no matter how small, shriveled and dormant?
Is that a gut punch line? Is that an emphasis that I have to make to to really make you be impacted.
By this sentence?
I don't see how.
And so by by using em dashes because we've already talked about, you know, there's there's a plethora of overused of dashes here, but this one is the most.
Egregious because at least the others did.
Of add something a little bit more than just mundane words. This one.
I feel like is just mundane.
And so the dash is now going to start you're going to start weakening the power of your em dash if you keep over them like this, especially when this just needs to be a comma.
It's just a clause. That's all it is.
And while it's pretty I think that's an overwritten clause. Like I don't often say this, but I do I do feel like that that's a little bit overwritten there. And actually detracting.
Right.
Because it's again, it's a big long run on sense.
Yeah. Then online for 46 you don't need the he Yeah he shivered but didn't step away.
And I think.
I could be wrong on this because you know commas. Well commas are really easy to understand because you always use them here, you never use them there, you might use them there, you could use in there if you want to like.
But I'm pretty.
Sure that it doesn't get a comma. Now. And he shivered but didn't step away. I think it's one clause. I don't think it gets a comma there. The reason why it does get a comma if the he is there is because it is a compound sentence because both.
Are.
Independent clauses.
He shivered sentence. Yeah. He didn't step away sentence.
And just I just on that note, if you get the opportunity to reduce your commas, take it.
Yeah. By taking out the he.
It is no longer an independent clause but it's also not a dependent clause. It's just additional information on the last independent clause. So I'm pretty sure it's. And he shivered but didn't step away. One sentence
commas are stupid. They're the hardest things to really nail. That's why I have a great proof editor and.
She is the one.
Person that when her edits come in.
I very rarely.
Can read them over. I just click accept all.
But she does commas. She does you wrote of.
And it should have been an if.
She doesn't do like, you should.
Rewrite this sentence. I mean she's a.
Proof editor so it is literally factual based on.
Things that she edits and that's it. She doesn't edit anything outside.
Of factual based stuff. So I do.
Glance over it. I never just do accept all I'm too much of.
You know, control freak for that. Yeah, but I.
Really could just go get her document and just go accept all and then.
Let it go because it's all just commas and stuff. Yeah.
All right, let's hit 49 Bootstraps on Stone echoed within the conical vaulted ceiling as he crossed the tower and reached for a doorknob. But he paused and turned to another door that stood opposite, with hesitating steps across to it. Ladies palm on the door, then leaned his forehead against the aged oak, the Laird's grand six bedroom apartment, the home he had shared with his wife and three children waited beyond that door.
I swear I counted four. Anyway, he hadn't crossed the threshold in nearly eight years. And this, by the way, is a risk. Okay, Because you've now named all of those freaking children. Now I'm sitting there going, would therefore names years.
For the girl.
Those breastfeeding.
The.
Twin that was sleeping and then two more out playing.
Yeah. So now you're like but how are these kids now related and you end up with this weirdness right?
Blinking back, the sting of tears. He stepped away from the door, crossed the rotunda and entered the laird Solar Why is this Laird capitalized and that other one wasn't.
So that's a title.
His title is the Laird.
Sure, but this laird isn't on line 53.
Because if you change it to King.
So the first one, 53, would be the King's Grand six apartment. That's not a proper thing, would be a lowercase king. And if you come down to 60 or 56 and you called it the King Soler and that would be the name of it, it would get capitalized.
Okay, So Laird is a if I.
Remember right, I know what laird is it's a Scottish title. I'm aware.
I didn't I.
Didn't know it was when you read it the first time. So I thought when she read it the first time in the first piece she came in, I thought his name was Laird.
Because I just thought it was.
A fantasy name.
I know I did.
Not know it was a title.
He hurried to the dusty cherry wood credenza that stood behind the matching desk. There's a $10 word for you. Matching desk yanked open a mullion glass door, $20, grabbed a bottle of gentleman jack and a glass and poured himself a scotch. And that is a run on sentence. That is $50 for you playing so nicely at home. Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah. Well, if we go up. Yeah, and.
It's all the same thing, so I don't want to get too much into it. Actually go up a little bit more.
So it's a continuation of overused to them. Dashes run on.
Sentences.
And that is the run on.
Sentences.
Are rife. And I think that we've worked that out.
In the writer's.
Room.
I don't think she's doing these run on sentences anymore.
But everyone gets together.
In this piece, like the run on sentences are fierce.
Yeah.
Fierce.
Yeah. And it just weakens.
Everything because they just can't. But I don't want to repeat all of that because we we've kind of beaten that to death. What I want to talk about wait. No what I want to talk about is that the paragraph that's cut. Yeah. 49 bootsteps on stone echoed within the conical vaulted ceiling as he crossed. And this is just a stylistic thing and this is just a subjective thing, but I always hate it when.
You when a writer detaches.
What the character's doing from the character.
So bootsteps
Aren't echoing on stone, his footsteps are echoing on stone.
He's doing that and he knows.
It, and he's the narrator.
So when you when you're in limited.
And you write something like Boot Steps on Stone, my mind is instantly going to go to the.
Character is hearing.
These things.
And doesn't know what they're attached to because I'm in a limited P.O.V..
And therefore, since it's written in.
This detached way, I'm going to read it that way and then I'm going to feel like an idiot when I get to. As he crossed the.
Tower, I'm like.
he was just listening to his own bootsteps Like, why did he.
Think about.
It like that? Because again, we're writing in a limited P.O.V..
On line 49. The other thing that that gets to me about it is we have boot steps that are echoing, okay, Now, presumably boot steps hit the floor, but they're echoing in the ceiling. So now my gaze as the reader is going like floor ceiling.
Right.
And it doesn't quite make sense. I mean, his boot steps are falling here and they're echoing here in the ceiling. It's just it paints a weird image to me. Right.
now, as you if you would.
Just change it and flip it around to.
His boot, steps.
Echoed off the stone floor, reverberating off the conical vault ceiling. Now you're painting a picture. I can follow the path.
Yeah. There's one last.
Thing I want to talk about in this. Well, other than that, you know, it's a massacre, a sentence. Now, I don't feel that this author is using the word as too much.
And I overuse the crap out of the word.
As so I am very cognizant of it. But I do have a macro that literally just highlights my asses. And I look at every sentence that has an.
Ax.
And.
I will.
Cut any as.
If it isn't.
Imperative that the two actions are happening simultaneously. I'm only bringing it up. This is fine and again, I don't think this author is using it, but since I saw the word as in there, it popped out to me because I'm so conscious of it.
This technically the.
Boot steps are happening as I'm crossing because they are connected. So this one I would let ride. I wouldn't write it in this way. It's a run on sentence and all that other stuff that we talked about.
But I just want to bring that up. So many.
People overuse the word.
as. yeah, and I would say half.
The time you're using the word as like this happens as that.
Happened, you could put a.
Period there and they would be stronger.
Because they're not actually.
Happening yet at the same time.
And as should only be used if there's like a very, either they’re really happening at the same time or the one is an absolute correlation.
Another blood spurted from his mouth as the foot connected with his jaw. Yeah like yes the the kick is causing the.
Blood to spurt from the mouth. I'm going to put that as an as.
100% that works. Otherwise be careful with as because it has a way of connecting to things that shouldn't be connected and that's jarring to the reader. And they're trying to figure out how this relates.
Well, it's.
Another one of those. It creates a wrong sentence that just doesn't need to be there. And if you put a period in between it, it just makes them both stronger.
Yes.
So again, I don't think this author is over using it.
I don't think this is a wrong way to use it. So not picking on the author here. I'm picking on myself in the fact that I overuse as’s and I know I do. It's always been one of my problems. And so I'm constantly we all have our foibles that we have to fight and so that's one of mine is.
As.
I think we've I think we've more or less beaten this the submission to death. I don't know if you want me to finish reading it.
No I mean we're at time anyway.
Yeah.
This is a lot of the same, you know, I've already kind of glanced down and read.
So this author and, you know, I told her this when she first.
Came into the writers room.
She's a solid writer, as all of us. Even if you're.
A solid writer, there's plenty of things to work on, plenty of things to. To you're going to have your foibles. Her foibles, obviously, is run on sentences, overusing em dashes,
putting in information that might not necessarily need to be there.
One of the things we worked.
With her, one of things I worked on with her over these last couple of weeks since she joined the writers room.
Is how she.
Builds a scene, her scene building just even after only being a writing for a couple of weeks is just night and day.
So we all have weaknesses.
And here's the problem with our weaknesses. Until somebody shows them to, you'll never find them.
That's why whether you.
Join my writers room, whether you join a local writer's group, join critique circle, like Maria uses that a lot. And you know, I say my writer's room.
Marie has.
Her own critique group in the writers room.
So just be aware.
If you wanted to also work with Marie and me.
We're both in the writers room.
And they'll be I'll add about it at the end. And we are still running the 50% off for life kind of thing. So just a thought, because I don't know if that's in the ad, it's if you go to bit.ly we’ll put the link down below but bit.ly/
Drakes
Room with a capital D and a capital.
R Drake's room.
That will take you to the sign up page that gives you 50% off for life. If you want to join the writers room and join us and and actually become a better writer. So there's so much that she's improved on, but she already came to us as.
A pretty solid writer as far as sentence structure.
And and just information dissemination and all of that. But I'm a firm believer. I mean, you're in critiquing. You were in critiquing before I came into your life. I'm always in critiquing and I don't care.
You're at as a writer. If you're not.
Constantly being critiqued and critiquing, you're.
Going too well. We've all we've all seen this. We've all read that book.
From an author and like, my goodness, this author so great. And then you read their next book and they're like.
You know what? This is not as good as the last one, but that's okay. Still good. And then you read the next one. It's like, yeah, this is actually gotten kind of bad. Like, why is this writer.
On a downward trajectory? And it's because they are now believe they know everything and they don't need any feedback anymore and that.
Their poop don't.
Stink no more, so they can just poop anywhere they.
Want and everybody's going be happy with it and that's not how it's how this works.
And they start ignoring their editors and then, you know, and then. Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, like this is a continuous process that never ends.
So and that's one of the reason why I surround myself with people like Marie.
That.
Does not care at all about, you know, slapping me in the face.
Because that's what I want.
I don't want to go, look at me. I know everything you know.
Because don't like, I make mistakes just like anyone else.
And the biggest problem is.
Is that you're too close.
To your own work. One last side story, just kind of to hammer that home. I spent almost four weeks working on one chapter over this last month that.
That.
Can't happen. When you're a professional writer, you don't have that kind of time. But this chapter, I really needed it to sing. I really needed to hit right And when the solution was finally given to me by someone.
Else.
In the writers room.
It was so obvious I felt like the fool because I should have come out of the gate writing it that way. And yet I knew what I want to do with the chapter. I knew what I was.
Trying to accomplish.
I knew how I want to roll it out. And I didn't think about this thing that would have fixed all of my woes.
Until finally someone pointed it out.
And was like, How did I not see that? Like it literally is the whole thing. Yeah. And so it was so dumb. I mean, basically this is it in a nutshell.
The princess has been kidnaped and the whole town is in an uproar. But there was no tension at the beginning of it.
And like.
Finally someone.
Was like, Well, shouldn't that? And I even wrote in there that the town is in an uproar, but.
It never affected the character. There was.
No there was no sure.
Tension that the town is actually in an uproar.
And by just adding.
That in.
Fixed everything. Yeah. But again, I even though that's so obvious.
Now to, me in the thick of it when I'm writing, knowing what I need to accomplish with the chapter I was missing, how to bring that extra attention and to keep the.
Readers engaged.
Through the beginning of it. And the answer.
Was right there. Of course.
The town would be.
Due on.
Pins and needles and everybody would be at everyone's throat and everything would be going insane.
But I didn't.
Because I had other agendas that I was trying to accomplish with that chapter.
So it never ends.
And that's why you see these people, that they reached this pinnacle and then you see them start to slip because they surround themselves with a bunch of sycophants that are like, you're so you're perfect in every way and you're awesome. And like, now when when people around me are like that, I stopped sending them stuff and I just say, Look, the next time, you know.
You, you.
Just need to get it in and say that on Amazon with a five star.
Review, like, because that's that's all you're doing.
That's the only help you're giving.
Is your feedback. It's just that you love my writing. That is awesome. You can say that on Amazon. I love you. Thank you for being a fan.
Yep, 100%.
You're not what I want critiquing me. Yeah, but.
You're not pushing me. Yeah. And so, yeah, it is.
I mean, like I.
Said last night, we got into a discussion.
About names deep that it was like.
Yeah, I guess.
I could cut to the moon.
names out. like it's so petty, but it.
Does. I mean, I'm introducing about seven new names.
New titles.
New World and all.
That. I don't need nine with the extra.
Two money and actually ten. Because there's another thing, like I said, that I cut, but it just makes it that much more palatable for a new.
Reader to.
Fall into the.
World. They’ll get the moon names. I'll get it in there. Yeah.
Eventually. But it doesn’t need to be now.
Before we end.
Yes.
Because I think that was the last one we have in the queue for critiquing.
We do have one that we want to go back to.
We do have one we want to go back to.
If you would like to have us destroy your.
Writing on live on air, well, it's not really live, but still, send us something no more than a thousand words. It can be the beginning, middle, and it doesn't really matter to us. We're only looking at the writing. We're not looking at the story. We're not looking at any of that stuff. We don't have time in something like this.
But if you would like to send it to releasing your inner dragon at gmail.com.
We would love.
To have some more there. You did talk about maybe doing another first page read. I think a lot of people really enjoyed that.
So for those who don't know what that is, we have an episode where we took.
Like five things and we just started reading from the very it has to be the opening of your novel. And we started reading and we were pretending to be agents or publishers acquisition editors.
And we basically.
Said when we would stop reading and it's not that when we would stop reading it. So when we felt.
The industry we would reject you.
And so it's not us being mean to you, it's us playing The role of the industry is going to be mean to you. So if you would like to try that out, you know, maybe you've been submitting something and you keep getting form rejection letters or something like that and you're like, I don't understand.
Send us the opening page. We're happy to tell you where we.
Think the agent or, you know, or the acquisition editor is hitting and going.
no pass.
So it'd be nice to do another one of those this season at some point. But we need five or six or seven of them to actually do so we'll start collecting them up.
And please more clearly. Whether you are submitting it for a first page read or whether you're submitting it for a critique because they go into different queues in the inbox. So yeah.
Otherwise we'll.
Take your first page read and just critique the crap out of it.
Yeah.
And that's, that's maybe not what you're looking for. So yeah, so you can send us your first page or send us something to critique. We're always looking for interesting things like that. And I think that is a good note on which to end this episode
and we will see you soon for another.
One.
Bye.
Greetings, Enchanting Wordsmiths and Dream Weavers. It's Marie Mullany your companion, on this fantastical journey of creation. If our podcast has been a guiding star in your literary sky, please like and subscribe and share our episodes with your fellow creators
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